Background Information to Know
I have met such wonderful people over the years, who were accepting of my overall weirdness and inability to talk much. I am not an easy person to befriend.
From hiding a lot, to deleting thing, to downright destroying friendships out of fear, I am very hard to be loved. While things are settling a bit, and I am not doing much of the breaking up anymore, it’s quite embarrassing to think of what friends go through for me.
First, to my friends Rebecca and Emily. They are a power couple and I drove them nuts. I am thankful for their persistence. I couldn’t attend their wedding, and they never held it against me.
All my life, I have seen dreams of a girl from a different place, and I met her through Rae. Mel is a soul sister of mine. I am sorry that my illness stopped me from witnessing her happy fairy tale of love and wedding. All the times we would bake, or drive together, or clothes shop, I was and still am grateful for the love from you, from your soulmate, from Mattius, from Jason, from Tia Lisa.
Uh, Kel: you’ll never read this, but you introduced me to so many things and I can’t thank you enough, for hugging me when I had scars all over me, for swimming with, and visiting me. Thank you.
The most darling girl, small and seemingly quiet turned out to be a roaring lion, Ashley-Jean, I am in awe of you and your growth. Legit crying with all the affection and admiration I have for you.
Redheaded, with a glowing nose-ring, Rachael, you and I became vegan together. Open-minded, challenging, clever, beautiful, and happy, I am blessed that you came along when you did. So strong and loving, never one to hold a grudge, I am always wowed by you.
The Internet Age: Late Twenties
When I got sick, it felt like a death sentence to all contact with humans, a comfort and consistent torture. But, I met Bronwyn through her blog about horror things. Incidentally, I am easily frightened, yet we connected and she has never batted an eye at the weirdness of me switching blogs, usernames, accounts. She supported me. Oh, and she introduced to my Megassaur.
Beautiful Meg, you are a powerhouse of hope and sarcasm and humor. I will never get over how quick you were to welcome me in your life, despite my oddness.
Then, I met my sunshine of a friend: Inge, you are an inspiration to all and I will never forget writing you that message on Goodreads. You give me bravery. To me, you’ll always be a shining star, and I am just humbled that you befriended little old me.
I was so scared and lonely, and you introduced me to the gems of my life now: Ely, Michelle (ma belle, Mich!), Jolien, Bee, Annemieke, Shannon, Cee Arr, Angel, and Vlora. As well as the little ones Topaz and Lara Liz
Ely, you teach me to accept my disability. Your bravery, the rawness of your honesty is a breath of fresh air, even if I sometimes just pace around the room for nights trying to think of a response equally as eloquent. Because of you, I feel like I have some sort of use for this world.
Ma Belle (Mich), I know things feel so horrid right now, and you need your space. All I can do is keep you in my prayers, in my heart, and on my mind. Sending you love and hope. You and I have a lot in common. My poetess, you are incredible and I can only pray that we can talk some more.
Jolie, you are the cutest peep. Because of you, I am becoming obsessed with Brandon Sanderson and Scott Lynch, anything fantasy and I think of you right away. My early riser, you are a sun summoner; may the world twirl around you, bring you the happiness you deserve.
Bee, we don’t talk much because I am genuinely intimidated by your cleverness. Books creator, clever and social, you surely will be on the bestsellers lists one day. I can only hope to be part of your journey to share your brilliance.
Annemieke, you are such a busy bee, and I want to get to know you better, mama! You show warmth and kindness so unabashedly, consistently raising my expectations of myself. Thank you for existing. Keep on rocking.
Shannon, don’t ever say you’re old. I think I’m older than you, so watch it. I’ll never look at the Hunger Games and not think of you. We need to tweet more at each other, because you always make me smile.
Cee: you are mysterious to me, and I need to build up the courage to talk to you–genuinely enjoy your blogs about sexual fluidity. You helped me come to terms with my asexuality and being aromantic and I am forever grateful for your openness.
Angel: you’re the prettiest and the most adorable girl ever. I wish we can get to know each other better, but you’re adored a lot by myself and Ely and Mich.
Vlora, I can’t wait to get to know you some more. You are so kind to me, even when I am deleting tweets left and right with manic nervousness. Thank you.
Finally: the little ones, you write beautifully and I wish younger me had your courage. Topaz, dream-like, and poetic, prodigious and inspiring, I hope you gain more recognition for your creativity. Lara Liz (Or as I call you, Little Lara Bar. Shh. It’s a vegan bar. Very delicious), your enthusiasm for life is the contagious and I am so psyched for your future and what it holds.
Mother dearest, you are my harshest critic and my biggest fan. You break my heart with your support. Thank you for buying me all the things, for taking me to doctors, for picking up medications, for being the unfortunate end of a stream of anger and sadness.
Brother love, you got me this domain! You just…I have no words for all the kindness you show me, and I feel ashamed that we weren’t always such buddies.
Little sister, I can only hope to be good enough for you, my fiery fierce friend.
This entry was a million words, but I can only honor you all the best I can. Thank you. I love you.