This is the PITS. I have been having a rough time for at least three months. Today, I decided to share my experience with blogging as someone who has mental illness. As such, I am considering making a change in how I approach this. I guess I’m gesturing at this site. Some of this discussion may resonate with you, I hope. But, some of it won’t. I hope you just…listen.
When I joined the book blogging community a year ago, I noticed that there are certain types of posts that people shared. Lists. Lots of lists. My problem is not so much that the lists were “bad.” But, they did not work for me, because I am not reading as rapidly as some people in the community do. This results in me listing the same books, week after week. And, after a while, it just gets less fun.
Instead, it feels like a routine (not in a nice way). I don’t read as much as others, and I am pressuring myself even more to keep up.
Not only was it just a series of lists for books, but I also fell into a trap where I had created these “sections” of my blog to streamline navigation. Like, it’s a blog. Not a map. The fun of it, to me, is to see a life unfold, to enjoy fan-girl moments and analysis, and enthusiasm.
This was another issue I had with the blog. I pressured myself to post every day of the week, for weeks at a time. Nothing I’m saying is ground-breaking news. I’m sure people can live without my lists for a day or two per week.
Maybe even more.
I have to be careful not to turn this into something my OCD will flip against me (that sentence failed on so many levels).
I don’t like talking about how sick I am on here for fear of sounding “out of it.” But, as someone who has had depersonalization all her life, I have a hard time being “present.” For the past five years, I have been in therapy. Granted, it took me a long time to open up about this (and the manic episodes were pretty embarrassing too). It’s scary to be here mentally and I honestly don’t know how I always just…stop being myself and pray that if I dream of someone else, I could somehow become them.
Does this make any sense?
Anyway, blogging shouldn’t be all that I do. Neither does reading sound like something I want to throw my whole life into. I want to see what makes me feel at peace. In order to do that, I need to step away from following this dance of posting, commenting, and then depersonalize my way through the day, hoping to become a different person.
Maybe I can write about my findings, or try to capture my moments of clarity.
I don’t know. But I am definitely in need of learning new things to become a more comfortable person.
And the search continues
What is ahead is lots of soul searching and experimenting with what works for me as a blogger. My intention is not to insult anyone who is okay with the routine posts, or the reading all the time. It just isn’t working for me. We’ll see what I find worth discussing on here between the books I do manage to finish.
Love and light.